[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
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Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
nobody’s gonna understand
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.