*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Why I divorced her.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please