My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
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Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that