Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
scares
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.