I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
You Might Also Like
How do dragons blow out candles?
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Jogging
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two