I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
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Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?