[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
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me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids