In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
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Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
*gets down on one knee*
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.