The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
You Might Also Like
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol