Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
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We decided to have money instead of children.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
brian had himself a morning…
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
It’s the weekend y’all
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken