My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
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I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.