Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
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You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.