My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
This came to me in a dream.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.