Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
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My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My patience has stretch marks.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport