There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
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Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
🙁
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.