A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
You Might Also Like
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
pictures of spider-man
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one