You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.