A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
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I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so