It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
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FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
CUTE CAT‼︎
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.