Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
#Caturday
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder