i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
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Pikachu found the lost joint
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
When they try to steal your moment.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”