At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
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Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.