We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
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I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.