You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
this makes me so uncomfortable
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Current mood: Potato
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first