*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
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I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
hi why am I like this
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.