The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
only 11 steps left
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.