Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
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Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
💯😂
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?