*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
You Might Also Like
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery