Damn what did I do next
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When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.