Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
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It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser