Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
You Might Also Like
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you