[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
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Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.