The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
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Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long