Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
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[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
This is a whole mood;
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.