[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?