I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
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“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose