CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count