[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
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‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Spell check is for lasers.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake