All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
You Might Also Like
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
This is amazing.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.