ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
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He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Doug is just Canadian for dog
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I think the cat got the dog high.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?