Beware of the “party goblin”…
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I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Never be a pizza!
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Solving a traffic jam
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
This story is comedy gold 😂
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.