It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.