Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
You Might Also Like
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0