Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
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A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
You’ll be OK
What about second breakfast?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
bury ourselves
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in