My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
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My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
#CoronaOutbreak
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away