No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
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I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people