One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
You Might Also Like
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE