The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?