“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
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Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Happy Friday
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Need WebMD
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.