i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
You Might Also Like
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
This is me
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.